The Not So Perfect Fanfic
by Raven Wings
Summary: *COMPLETE* My response to gambit_is_mine_damnit's challenge. Challenge details are inside. Beware of randomness, strange humour, and character death.


DISCLAIMER: Not mine. The X-Men aren't mine, the challenge wasn't mine, but all spelling mistakes are mine and are a result of typing too quickly, and being too slack to proof-read.  
  
  
This is my response to gambit_is_mine_damnit's challenge:  
  
I propose a challenge to all you fanfic writers out there.  
The challenge is to write a fic with the following criteria:  
  
  
-At least 2 x-men get drunk  
-someone touches rogue  
-someone complains about someone's odor  
-someone dies  
-someone uses a narcotic drug (I.E. crack, heroin, marijuana)  
-solve world hunger somehow(no mary-sue's)  
-and it must be damn funny.  
  
This was partially inspired by cardboard tom's response- I hadn't been planning on writing this before I read her response. Enjoy.  
  
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Rogue got out of bed, and stretched. It was a sunny, beautiful day. But then again, it was always beautiful and sunny.  
  
Even though she had been asleep for eight or so hours, her hair was already perfectly styled, her makeup perfectly applied, her eyebrows perfectly tweezed, and her nightgown crisp and fresh. So, as a result, Rogue decided to forgo her shower that morning, and just get dressed.  
  
Rogue, temporarily forgetting about her powers pulled on a sundress that was the perfect yellow, and perfectly matching yellow sandles. She went out into the hall to find- lo and behold! Storm!  
  
"Hi Storm shugah!" Rogue said, smiling cheerfully, showing a thousand perfect white teeth, and speaking with the perfect Southern accent.   
  
"Good morning Rogue!" Storm said pleasantly. Her hair was also perfectly styled, and her makeup perfectly applied. She was dressed just like Rogue, but in white. "Do you smell something odd?"  
  
"Not at all. Why, don't you look good this mornin' shugah. Where you off too?" Rogue asked.  
  
"Why, I'm off to see a drug dealer in the city!" Storm said, also smiling and showing a thousand white teeth.   
  
Both laughed heartily. "Storm, you are such a riot! Cheerio!" Rogue said, heading down towards the kitchen.   
  
There she found Beast setting the table perfectly, Gambit perfectly cooking bacon and perfect fluffy pancakes, and Bobby making the perfect iced water by adding the perfect amount of ice cubes.  
  
"Mah, aren't you all just perfect little angels!" Rogue exclaimed. They all looked up, and smiled broadly, and perfectly at her.  
  
Gambit gave her an especially big smile, and said "Chere, you look absoloutely perfect today." Suddenly, he stopped complimenting her, frowned, and sniffed the air. "What is dat smell?"  
  
Beast and Iceman began to follow suit, sniffing the air, and frowning. "You're right, Gambit, something smells." Iceman said.  
  
Beast inhaled deeply, and suddenly his perfectly blue face went a perfect shade of green. "My friends, I believe we are smelling something LESS THAN PERFECT!"  
  
All of them gasped. "Less...less dan perfect?" Gambit stammered. "How can dis be?"  
  
Rogue began to cry, tears that were perfectly formed, and sparkled perfectly as the perfectly beautiful sunlight shining through the window hit them. "Oh, Ah'm so scared! Tha world must be ending!"  
  
"Oh, don't cry Rogue, I'm sure that some perfect plan can be carried out by us to fix this imperfect..uh...thing." Iceman said. In an attempt to comfort Rogue, and carry out a plan which was the perfect way to piss Gambit off, he gave her a hug. Big mistake. His skin touched hers, and he turned a perfect shade of white before dropping to the floor.  
  
Beast, carrying out his role as the perfect doctor, rushed over to Bobby, and examined him. "He's alive, but unconscious." Beast proclaimed. "I believe that this is an example of the effect the less than perfect smell is having on the world. Bobby should be fine after touching my esteemed colleague, if this was a perfect world. Sadly, it no longer is."  
  
Rogue rushed out of the room. And ran straight into Wolverine.  
  
"Hey darlin'..." He began, before he abruptly went green. "Whoa! What the flamin' heck is that smell!"   
  
Rogue gasped. "Shugah! You can't say that! It's less than perfect to curse."  
  
Wolverine shrugged, and sniffed the air again, this time a little more cautiously. "Geez Louise, that reeks!" He walked past Rogue into the kitchen to talk about the less than perfect smell with Gambit and Beast.   
  
Feeling even more depressed about the end of the perfect world, and feeling depressed that she felt depressed, a less than perfect emotion, she went outside to look for something to do.   
  
What she found was Storm, sitting in a tree, and waving back and forwards. "My, this is the perfect drug." She said woozily. "Look at all the pretty purple ponies...oh wow, a perfect flying frog!"  
  
Rogue flew up to sit beside Storm in the tree, whos leaves were swaying perfectly in the breeze, which was the perfect temperature. "Storm, how much stuff did ya buy from that drug dealer? And can Ah have some?"  
  
Suddenly Storm went back to normal. "I am sorry for decieving you Rogue. I have not yet been to the drug dealer. I was merely practising my 'drugged up' speech for later, so that it may be perfectly slurred." She frowned. "And there's that smell again! What is it...?" She flew off to find the source of the smell, and Rogue flew down as well.  
  
She walked along the perfect green grass, until she came across Jean and Cyclops, who were cooking sausages on a Weber BBQ. Jean was dressed like Storm and Rogue, except her dress and sandles were red. Cyclops, despite standing in a breeze, and standing over a hot BBQ, had perfectly styled hair, and his glasses glinted perfectly in the sun.   
  
"Why hello Rogue!" Jean said in a perfectly cheerful voice.   
  
"Hi ya'll. What are you doing?" Rogue asked curiously.   
  
Cyclops laughed heartily. "Why thankyou for asking Rogue! We're celebrating!"  
  
"Celebrating what?" Rogue asked curiously.  
  
Cyclops wrapped an arm around Jean Grey's shoulders, and they both smiled, as though they were in a picture-perfect photo. "Why, we solved World Hunger, of course!"  
  
"You did?!" Rogue asked joyfully. "Well, that's just perfect! How?"  
  
Jean smiled adoringly at her husband. "Cyclops figured it out of course." She reached into their basket, which contained all the essentials for a BBQ, and pulled out a jigsaw puzzle. Curious, Rogue leaned in close and had a look at it. It was a picture of the human digestive system, with a map of the globe in the background and at the top was a label- 'World Hunger.'   
  
Jean smiled adoringly at Cyclops again. "We were missing a piece, and I just couldn't solve this puzzle. Then, Cyclops suggested that we look in our room for the last piece. Well, we did, so then we could solve World Hunger!"  
  
Suddenly Cyclops interrupted. "What's that smell?" He asked.   
  
Jean sniffed the air delicately. "Oh my...I think that smell is less than perfect!" she shrieked.  
  
"Jeannie, it's ok!" Cyclops soothed, giving her a hug.   
  
Rogue frowned. All day people had been complaining about that smell that was changing the world, and she didn't like it. A less than perfect wrinkle was forming on her forehead between her eyebrows.   
  
Suddenly Cyclops shrieked, sounding like a little girl. "I burnt the sausages! They're less than perfect!"  
  
Rogue flew off to leave them to sob about their less than perfect BBQ. She was very worried now, in a less than perfect way. The whole world was collapsing!  
  
She flew back to the house, where everyone was gathered out the front, looking up at a storm cloud in the sky worriedly. Rogue landed beside Xavier. "What's going on here?"  
  
He started to speak, but Jubilee cut him off. "It's, like, the Less Than Perfect Storm!" She said, in between cracking her gum.   
  
Xavier glared at her. "Why do people cut me off when I'm about to speak? I'm the smart one! I have all the great revelations!" He pressed a few buttons on the arm of his hoverchair, and a hatch opened. He pulled a perfect lightning rod out, and gave it to Jubilee. "Here you go Jubilee. Go stand out there on the lawn, and hold this up to the perfect sky."  
  
Jubilee took the lightning rod, and grinned. "Like, thanks Professor! This stick thing, is like, totally cool!" She ran out onto the middle of the perfectly green lawn, and held up the lightning rod. "Like this, Professor?" she yelled.  
  
"That will be just perfect!" Professor Xavier hollered back.   
  
They stood there for about ten minutes. Professor Xavier sighed in annoyance. "Storm, a little help here?"  
  
"Certainly Professor." She said. "I summon the perfect power of the perfect bolt of lightning!" She yelled.  
  
A lightning bolt flew out of the sky, and hit the lightning rod. Sure enough, the less than perfect Jubilee was fried, and the rest of the X-Men went inside, tired of watching the Less Than Perfect Storm because it was crap.   
  
They all went inside, and found Jean and Cyclops sitting in the kitchen, drinking beers together, and both rip-roaring drunk.   
  
"And then, I said to the tortoise 'You can't beat me! I'm the fastest hare in all the land!' so the tortoise..." Cyclops trailed off, as he started giggling at nothing in particular.  
  
Jean was staring at him, with an enraptured look on her face, and Cyclops struck up a pose that he no doubt thought was striking. "So, boodiful, tell me a liddle 'bout youself." He said to her, slurring his words.  
  
Jean giggled. "Well, this one time, at band camp..."  
  
"Ahhh, no!" The rest of the X-Men screamed. "That's a less than perfect story!"  
  
Suddenly, all of them except for Rogue started sniffing the air.   
  
"There's that less than perfect smell again, that's wrecked our perfect world!" Beast exclaimed.  
  
"Wolverine, mon amie, why don't you just follow the smell to it's source?" Gambit suggested.  
  
"Why Gambit, what a perfect idea!" Professor Xavier exclaimed, and the rest all chimed in with their agreement.  
  
Wolverine sniffed the air, and began moving all over the kitchen, until he reached Rogue. Then he stopped.  
  
"Rogue, it's you!" he exclaimed. "It's yer body odour we've been smelling all day!"  
  
The rest of the X-Men gasped.   
  
"Rogue, did you have a shower this morning?" Storm asked her.   
  
Rogue blushed. "Well, no. Ah was looking so perfect already, Ah decided I didn't need one."  
  
Xavier looked at her disapprovingly. "Now Rogue, you know that was a less than perfect idea. Now the world is going to end."  
  
Rogue ducked her head in shame. "Ah'm sorry all."  
  
"Wait!" Beast said. "This is actually a fortunate coincidence! I have been working on a machine that changes a person's less than perfect body odour into a perfect drug! Will you allow me to try it on our once perfect friend?"  
  
The X-Men all shrugged, and gave their consent. Beast took Rogue down to the lab for an hour, and they came up later, Rogue smiling in a now perfect way, and Beast holding a perfect Baggie filled with a perfectly white powder.   
  
"I have it!" Beast exclaimed. "The Perfect Drug! Let us all try some to celebrate the return of our perfect world!"  
  
All cheered with joy, and all sat down to try the perfect drug.   
  
"Uh, Beast? I don't think your machine worked." Iceman, who had miraculously recovered, said.  
  
The rest of the X-Men agreed, and Beast looked dejected.   
  
"Wait a moment!" Storm said. "I can save the day still! I have some marijuana that I bought from a drug dealer today!"  
  
All the X-Men cheered, all smoked the marijuana, and perfection was restored to the perfect world of the perfect X-Men.  
  
THE END. 


End file.
